Sermon Transcript

So much going on this week, and it all starts tonight at six o’clock with our Fresh Encounter prayer meeting. What if God only did, this week, what we ask Him to do tonight? The reality is, that may be the case. So, we need to ask Him to empower all these things–the Good Friday service, Easter Sunday (all that’s going on). Thanks to those of you who have volunteered. We had over three-hundred positions to fill; there are only fourteen left—so, those of you who are holding out for those fourteen, it’s time to jump on the bus and help us pull this off for our community.

Open your Bibles to Ephesians chapter 5. If you were here two weeks ago, I preached a message that was not for everyone. Who was that message for? Did you hear how excited the men were when I asked that? [“The men. . .”] How are you doing, guys—how are you doing loving your wives? Do you remember that message?

Well, if you remember, I told you there would be a special message coming for the wives. Today’s your day, ladies. If you are a wife, would you please stand? We need to see you—I need to see the whites of your eyes–cause this message is for you; the message is not for everybody. It’s just for these ladies. Would you like to honor these ladies that are married to some of these men? Absolutely! You may be seated.

That means that everybody else gets the day off. Now, if you are the husband to one of these wives, listen, we need to have a little family chat here for a second. Guys, let me ask you to resist the temptation to “amen” at any moment throughout this message. That would not be good for your marriage! This is not a time to elbow or to critique or to grade your wife. This is time to pray for her, cheer her on. She’s got a hard job—living with you. So, we’re going to give her some help today.

There’s another group here: single ladies. All the single ladies (and you would like to be a wife), if you would like to stand, that’s fantastic! This would be a time for you to ask the question, “Am I the kind of woman that the Scripture describes a wife to be?” You may need to be asking the question, “Am I the person that the person I’m looking for is looking for?” Because if you’re not the kind of person described in this passage, you may not be the kind of person that your potential husband is looking for. Maybe it’s time for you to embrace that.

There are some budding husbands in here. Some not-yet-married husbands. This would be a time for you to evaluate, “Is this the kind of woman that I would want to marry?” This is what you’re looking for, guys, right here in the Scripture.

There are also some wives in here who have a tougher job than some other wives, because they’re married to some knuckle-head guys. You’re here today, and you’ve come. I hope you understand, ladies, that this place—Harvest Bible Chapel—is a factory for husbands. We’re trying to build some husbands here.

Hopefully, two weeks ago, you understood how much we need to encourage the husbands to love and to lead. But some of you are married to some husbands who are not lovers and they’re not leading the way that they’re supposed to, and yet the Scripture calls you to embrace some responsibilities. So, we know you have a hard job.

We dealt with some of those things with men, hopefully—a couple of weeks ago—but this message is for you. And it’s all summed up in one verse at the end of the chapter, Ephesians 5:33 (our summary verse): “However, let each one of you [that particular “you” is “you husbands”] love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.” [ESV]

Remember, a couple of weeks ago we had a plant up here, and we kind of hypothetically talked about that husband who says, “You know, my marriage is dead!” Well, the question is “Did you water it; did you feed it?”—because it needs some things from you! And, what did we say the number one need of a wife is, guys? Ohhh, that was disappointing! Do we need to go back and preach that message again? We just read it in verse 33, guys! What’s the number one need of your wife? You’ve got to constantly be loving your wife.

Ladies, as we turn our attention to you this morning, here’s something that may surprise you. In the span of eight verses in Ephesians 5, God tells husbands to love their wives three different times: “Husbands, love your wives; husbands love your wives; husbands, love your wives!” Ladies, why do you think God had to tell your husbands three times in the span of eight verses to love you? Sometimes we can be a little thick-headed; we have to be reminded, over and over—“Oh yeah, I need to love my wife!”

Did you know, you can read the Bible from cover to cover, but you will never find a command that says, “Wives, love your husbands!” It’s not there. Now, it’s implied, for sure. Titus chapter 2 says that older women are to teach the younger women to be lovers of their husbands. So, of course you’re supposed to love your husbands. But you don’t find this exhortation, this charge, this command: “Love your husbands!” The question is, “Why?”

I believe it’s because the number one need of your husband is not love. But, what you will find over and over in Scripture, is this command: “Wives, respect your husband.” Why is that? It’s because the number one need of your husband is respect, and when he senses you respect him, he will understand he’s loved!

It’s amazing, isn’t it? If you ask the wives in this room—the wives that just stood, “Do you love your husband?”—most of them will say, “Yeah, I love him! The knuckle-head!” Wives have a natural ability to love a needy person. God built that into you, okay? But wives have to be urged and encouraged and reminded and charged with this command: “Respect him!”

And you say, “I would respect him—if he was respectable!” Listen, if he was respectable, you wouldn’t need the command, in the same way that, if you were always lovable, your husband wouldn’t need the command to love you! We get the commands because there are times when wives are not lovable and husbands are not respectable. Get it? That’s why God puts the command there. And so, we’re going to study how to do that today, okay?

We’re going to look at this (we’ll come back to the cycles chart in just a moment), and point number one is this:

 

• Wife, complement your husband. (v. 22-24)

 

Now, be careful how you spell that as you fill in the blank. That is “complement” with an “e,” not “compliment” with an “i.” It doesn’t mean you’re supposed to say, “Your biceps are so huge!” and “I love the way you change the oil in the car!” Now, we don’t mind that kind of compliment. Ladies, we could use more of that, probably—but that’s not what we’re saying.

This word “complement” is like the word you used in your geometry class in high school. Do you remember “complementary angles?” It means to “fill in, to complete,” to complement in a way that you bring something to your husband that he doesn’t have. It means to play a team role well. We’re going to see that here in verse 22.

Look back up at Ephesians 5:22. Let’s start in verse 21—we’ve looked at that several times, but it says, “. . .submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Do you remember, a few weeks ago, when we talked about that message, “How to be a winner every day; how to be a winner not a loser. . .” One of the things that winners do is, they fill their relationships with submission. That means that we come alongside of each other, we come up under one another; we support; we cheer on. We say, “I want to be on the team! I don’t even have to call the plays! I believe in you, and I want to go the same direction that you’re going. I want to help you get there!” We fill our relationships with submission. That’s verse 21. When we get to verse 22, it is specifically targeting wives.

Paul says, “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Now, ladies, aren’t you grateful for that little three-letter word there, “own” husbands? Isn’t it great that you don’t have to submit to everybody’s husband? There’s just one! And God’s command is not that all women submit to all men. God’s command is that, if you’re a wife, you have one husband and that is the husband you are to submit to. You say, “Well, I don’t like that!” Well then, you shouldn’t have gotten married! You didn’t have to get married! But, if you’re married—you’re a wife—and you’re a Christian, this is a requirement; it’s not an option.

And so, Paul says in verse 23, “For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” And so, husbands have a role to play. We’re to lead. We’re the leaders in the relationship; we’re the initiators of the relationship. We’re the risk-takers. We’re the ones who say, “Follow me! I know the way; I’m going this way. Everybody come with me!” That’s the job of the husband.

Verse 24: “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.” So, this is your favorite word, ladies—I know—in the whole Bible! And, if you think it’s hard to listen to, just imagine how hard it is for me—as a man—to actually have to give you some instruction today. It’s like walking through a mine-field. You may actually witness me blow myself up, right here on the platform!

Now, in order to prevent that, I am going to need some help. So I’m actually going to ask a wife—who at times has to deal with a needy husband—to come up here and help me. Andrea, my wife, would you please come up here and help keep me from stepping on a land mine?

Now, as we get into this, it’s important that we understand what submission is not—and what submission is. First of all, understand this: submission is not a statement of value. Men and women have equal value before the Lord. God’s statement of submission is a statement of function and role, not of value, okay? God has a different function—a different use—for a husband than He has for a wife. And when we both play our role well, we both win. So, it’s a statement of function, not of value.

Secondly, submission is not just a woman’s issue. Everybody has to submit to authority. Your husband submits to the authority of God—God is his Head—and he has to submit to an employer. And the reason this is hard is not because you’re a woman, it’s because we don’t like to be told what to do, we don’t like to bring ourselves under somebody else’s leadership. So, it’s hard for all of us.

And also, understand this: submission is not enabling sinful activity in your husband. It’s not blind obedience to sinful activity. We have to obey God rather than man, and when one authority conflicts with another authority, which one do you obey? The higher authority, right? You have a higher authority than your husband. And so, ladies, if you’re in a relationship where your husband is abusive or if he’s asking you to do something that is clearly sin, you don’t submit to that!

If you’re in an abusive relationship, number one, call the police—if it’s a crime. And then, let your second call be to the church, and we have some friendly elders who will show up and have a nice little chat with your husband about his responsibility to love and to lead. That’s why God puts us in a body. If you’re in that situation, there’s help available for you.

So the question is, what is submission? Let’s give it some meaning here. It simply means to give up control. It means to yield. It means to use all of your creativity and your intelligence and your intuition to come up under, and to support, the direction that your husband is leading. Probably the best description that I’ve ever heard—I can’t improve on it—it comes from John Piper. No surprise. Here’s what he says about this idea of submission: “Submission is the divine calling of a wife to honor and affirm her husband’s leadership, and to help to carry it through according to her gifts. It is the disposition to follow a husband’s authority and an inclination to yield to his leadership.” I love these words “calling,” “disposition,” “inclination.” And then he says, “It’s an attitude that says, ‘I delight for you to take the initiative in our family. I’m glad when you take responsibility for things and to lead with love. I don’t flourish in the relationship when you are passive—and I have to make sure the family works without you.”

So, men, ladies have a hard job. We talked about how they have a hard job, and we can make their job easier by loving and leading the way God’s called us to lead. Ladies, you have a hard job; we admit, this is hard. And yet, by doing this, you can make your husband’s job easier—to love and to lead—when he senses that he has your respect.

Andrea Griffith: I remember one time when I was just not getting this. It was just going right over my head. We were living in Buchanan, and I was homeschooling our kids. And every night after dinner, Trent would say, “Hey! Let’s go take a walk!” And every night I would say, “No, I have dinner dishes to do, we’ve got to get stuff ready for tomorrow.” I had my own agenda, my own plan, my own way that I was going.

Finally, one night he just stopped and he took me by the shoulders and he said, “Andrea, I am trying to lead you!” And, all the sudden, I saw it! And I thought, “Why do I always have to a have a better idea—or, I can’t get off my own agenda?” So, I was like, “Okay, you know what? Those dinner dishes can wait. Let’s go take a walk!” So, we just started taking a walk after dinner, and you know what? I love being outside—I really needed to be with my husband, because I was only being with kids all the time. And so, following his leadership was of great benefit to me! When I came back to do the dinner dishes, it was a lot more fun, because I had connected with my husband.

I’ve found that to be true so many times in submission. For me (though I never would have said this, going into marriage), submission has become kind of an adventure. Because I have one way, and then Trent says, “Why don’t we do it this way?”—and it’s a way I’ve never thought of! I get a new perspective; I get out of my box; I get out of my comfort zone, and it’s fun! There’s adventure there! There’s also protection when he’s saying, “Don’t do things.” There’s been a lot of wisdom as I’ve just said, “No, I’m just gonna step back, because he’s not in on this.”

I had found a letter from a lady who didn’t quite get this either. She sent it to my friend, Mary Kassian. Mary Kassian has written a book called Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild. I love the book! Mary put this letter in her book; listen to what she says. “If I were to pick a word to describe my manner toward my husband, it would be ‘resistant.’ I was forever resisting him. If he came up with an idea, I suggested a different or a better one. If he wanted me to do something, I dug in my heels. If he tried to make a decision, I objected. If he asked me to reconsider, I would refuse. I continually corrected him and put him down, and I always had a sharp comeback ready on the tip of my tongue.

“You have to understand that my husband was not a demanding man. He was very kind. But, because I believed that compliance was a sign of weakness—and that women should never subject themselves to men—I constantly undermined him. I would not let him lead. Even in the smallest, most insignificant matters I absolutely refused to follow!

“Looking back, I can sadly see how my constant resistance chipped away at his manhood—and at our relationship. I resisted and resisted until he gave up and walked away into the arms of a woman who welcomed his strength. I was very foolish. If I had the chance to do it all again, I would try to do things God’s way. Sadly, it’s too late for me—but it isn’t too late for all the young women you teach.

“The world may not believe it, but a gentle, quiet submissive spirit doesn’t demean women! This attitude is precious to God. If it would have been precious to me, I probably would have celebrated my thirty-second anniversary last week. Instead, I was mocked by an empty house and a heavy heart full of regret.”

So many times we think submission is a statement of value. It’s not a statement of value. From the very beginning, in Genesis, God said He made them equal—in the likeness of God—male and female. Jesus blew that whole thing up. When He walked on the earth, He stopped for women. He had women listed in His genealogy. The first witnesses to Jesus rising from the dead were women. It’s not a statement of value. It’s a statement of role, of function, as we come alongside and help our husbands to be all that they were created to be, as they lead our families.

Pastor Trent: So, wife—complement your husband. Secondly:

 

• Wife, respect your husband. (v. 33)

 

What does this word “respect” mean? Let’s give it some definition, in short phrases, here. It means to esteem, to regard, to value, to look up to, to admire, to heed, to notice, to consider, to recognize, to defer to, to honor, to be kind to, to spare.

Andrea: That’s my favorite one.

Trent: Why?

Andrea: To “spare” from my drama.

Trent: To spare him from drama, to take into account, to uphold, to appreciate. All those aspects of respect are there! Now, ladies, please understand how God has wired your husband. Almost every wife would appreciate their husband taking leadership, but you fail to understand what fuels his leadership.

Listen, respect is rocket fuel to leadership! That’s true in any organization. If a coach doesn’t feel like his players don’t respect him, it’s really hard for him to coach them. If a husband doesn’t sense that he has respect from his wife–ladies, your husband will lose motivation to lead—and he will fade into the background. And if you start picking up all of the leadership responsibility, your husband will be glad to let you have it. But, if you will respect and encourage him and inspire him and motivate him, he will pick up that God-given role, and love and lead the way God has called him to.

Andrea: You may be like me. I found that I had respect for Trent. I had the feeling of respect. But there was a gap in me feeling it and him hearing it from me. There was this huge communication gap. I didn’t know how to tell him, and he wasn’t hearing the ways I was trying to tell him. So, one day I just asked him, “How do you hear respect from me?” I was so surprised at his answer. It had nothing to do with the way I was trying to communicate it. So, ladies, that would be something I would encourage you to do. Just ask your husband, “How do you hear respect from me?” And when they tell you, just listen. Don’t be defensive.

If that goes well, then go to the next question and ask, “How am I communicating disrespect to you?” And again, listen. I was so surprised at what he was telling me, that was communicating disrespect. We’re just wired so differently; we don’t get it sometimes.

So, when we’re dating, we are looking to see if we can find the right one that’s for us—the one we’re going to marry—and we look at this one and we say, “Aww—he’s so tall, and he has such nice hair. Maybe. But, you know, I really think this one is the right one for me! He just has all the qualities that I’ve been looking for in a man!” And, when we’re dating, it’s just so easy to just pour on that respect and pour on that admiration, and tell him how big his biceps are.

But then we get married and we start saying, “I think I see a brown leaf right here. When we were dating, you spend so much time with me, and now, you never even notice that I’m in the room!” And we don’t like that, so we go to work fixing that and changing it. And then we say, “We used to talk so much! You remember, our first date? We spent six hours at the Starbucks, just talking. And now, I can’t even get two words out of you!” We’re married, and we’re just noticing all these weaknesses—and differences—and failures.

And we think, “Well, obviously, God wants me to help this man! Right? That’s why He brought me into his life!” And, so we go to work and we say, “You’re so mean! You never help with the kids! You’re always playing golf or watching golf, or playing football or watching football on TV. You’re never kind! You’re so selfish! Why don’t you lead me; why don’t you lead the kids? Meet my needs! And then, we start looking at this guy over here and we say, “Why can’t you be a little more like him?” And guess what, ladies? That is on us!

Proverbs 18:21 says, “Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.” Which one do you want? You are the one making the man! Are you pouring respect, or are you just seeing all the faults—or not?

Trent: Is it safe? That was kind of scary! So, let’s get real practical here. What are some ways a husband feels respect? We’ll put them in five words, all starting with the letter “A.” The first one is this:

 

• Acceptance (Psalm 90:4)

He needs your acceptance. That means, ladies, you have to accept him the way he is, and trust God to change him into what he’s supposed to be.

Ladies, we know that God has built into you a nurturing heart—and you see needs and you want to meet them. But listen ladies, if you try to change your husband, it will actually have the opposite effect. It will drive him away from you. You need to accept him the way that he is, and then trust God to change him into what he needs to be.

Andrea: I remember, one morning I was up just having my time with the Lord, and I found this verse—Psalm 90:14—that says, “Satisfy us in the morning [early] with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.” I love this verse! This has become one of my mainstay verses, because there is no way that I can do the five things we’re telling you to do—and there’s no way you can do the five things we’re telling you to do—unless we are going to God to get all the fullness that we need. That we are being satisfied with His steadfast love.

So instead of looking to that to meet my needs and picking him apart when he doesn’t, I can look to God to meet my needs—to have His love satisfy my heart, so that I’m able to give acceptance, I’m able to give respect. It’s the only way any of us can do it, because we’re broken and we’re fallen and we’re selfish. And we do that.

That same morning, when God gave me that verse, I was telling the Lord all the ways I was disappointed in Trent. I was like, “I need this, and I wish he was doing that!” And I had my list. And the Lord spoke so clearly to my heart, and He said, “Andrea, do you even notice what he does do for you?” And I thought, “Uh, no! Because I’m so busy noticing what he’s not doing!”

So I just started making a list. I literally put lists in the back of my journals of just qualities and characteristics and things, and ways that I see strengths in my husband and in my kids. I didn’t even realize this, but what started to happen over time was, I started noticing him for who he was—who God already created him to be, and respecting and admiring that instead of being so focused on what I wanted him to be, and what image I wanted to create him in. And it was just all because the Lord said, “You be filled up with Me, and then you’re able to accept this person in your life.”

            Trent: The second thing is your assistance.

 

• Assistance (Genesis 2:13)

 

Your husband needs your assistance, and he feels respected when you assist him. This is built in, again, to the heart of every man. I know none of you ladies are married to a perfect man. There was only one woman on the planet who ever had that privilege, and do you know that she was married to a man who still needed help?

In Genesis 2:18 we read about this man: “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.’” The perfect man needed help. Think about your husband, and how much help he needs. Where does he get that? You may read that, ladies, and you may think, “Is that all I am, is a helper? I mean, it sounds like Hamburger Helper—that’s not a compliment! Or like ‘daddy’s little helper—can you hand me the hammer?’ You know?”

That’s not what it’s talking about. Do you know, in Scripture, if you were to do a word study of that word help–if it’s not referring to a wife being the helper to her husband, do you know who it’s referring to? It’s referring to God—being the Helper to His people. And if God was not afraid or ashamed to label Himself as a helper, why are you resisting that label for yourself? It is an honor to help, to complement, to fill in the gaps when a man needs help.

So, there are all kinds of ways. So many men feel like the one that God has given him to help him is helping everybody else—and he’s number thirty-seven on your to-do list! If he’s going to feel respected, he has to be the number one priority in your list of responsibilities to help. We know that there are young kids, and we know that there are career opportunities, and we know that the church needs help. But the number one person that you are to help is your husband!

Andrea: And that’s hard, because we have a million things pulling at us all the time. So, for me, I just had to go to Trent and ask the question again: “How can I help you? What would you like me to do for you that I’m not doing? What does that look like for you?” Because I was running around, trying to make his favorite meal, iron his clothes—all this stuff. That’s not what he really wanted me to do. I’ll never forget his answer to me: “Andrea, if you could just be happy! If, when I come home, the house is happy—that you’re emotionally stable—I just want you to keep ‘you.’ If you can keep ‘you,’ I’m a happy man!” And so I said, “Alright! That’s a lot easier than what I thought you were wanting from me!”

Again, ask your husband. It’s not going to be the same answer that my husband has—but ask him—because, women, we are the heart of the home. And what our attitude is, it is catching! Our kids catch it, our husbands catch it, so we want to make sure it’s joyful and fun and life-giving in our homes.

Trent: Your husband needs your admiration.

 

• Admiration

 

I have a friend, a pastor in the Detroit area, and he was a college football player. He made Hall of Fame status at Ball State. Dave is married to Anne, and he told Anne one day (he was actually telling a group of women while Anne was listening) when he would score touchdowns the crowd would cheer. When he would run out of the tunnel, the crowd would cheer. He would spend hours in front of this crowd and they would cheer and applaud, and he was honored and admired and he’d sign autographs. And then, he would walk into his house and all he would hear was, “Boo! Booooo!” coming from his wife. And that’s not the place where he wanted to spend time anymore. It’s easier to spend time where you’re admired and respected. So often, there’s a cheerleader in there somewhere, but you’re blinded by all the needs in his life. He needs to know that you admire him.

Inside the heart of your husband, ladies, is a ten-year-old little boy who’s always asking the question, “Do you believe in me? Do you think I can do it? I don’t think I can! Does anybody believe that I can do this?” And, if you can answer that question in the affirmative, it will cheer him on. He’ll feel your admiration and he’ll feel respected.

Andrea: I love that I have two boys. You see that in boys. Their hearts are still soft and they’re kind of unzipped. But as they grow up and they become men and husbands, they kind of zip themselves up and you can’t really see that vulnerable heart—so you don’t really know it’s there, but it is! And if we can go to work speaking those words of life, it just makes all the difference. I have a friend who is so great at this. Her husband’s very funny, and so she’ll say to me all the time, “I just love being married to a funny man! I just love that about him!” And she says that in his presence, just building him up.

We were speaking at a marriage conference, and I had a lady come up to me, and she just wouldn’t even take a breath. She was just saying all the negative things about her husband—she just went on and on and on. And finally, I just interrupted her and said, “Hey! Is there anything positive? Can you just tell me one positive quality about your husband?” She looked at me and she said, “Well, I would if he had any.” I said, “So, you’re telling me you married a man with no positive qualities. What does that say about you?”

Here’s the reality: he has the positive qualities! Remember them? But they’ve just become so commonplace that we don’t see them anymore. We need to back out and look at the positive qualities that our husband gifted us with. It is a privilege to be married. I get to be married to this man, Does he know I feel that way? We need to be speaking about the positives.

Trent: Five ways a husband feels respected: Your acceptance, your assistance, your admiration and your:

 

• Adaptability

 

            William Harley has done a lot of research on marriage—husbands and wives—and he wanted to find out, what are the top needs of a husband and a wife? The number two need of a husband, that he discovered in his research, is something he labeled “recreational companionship.” Guys just want to have fun, apparently. They want to play, and they want a playmate. They want somebody to be alongside of them as they do adventurous things—and take risks—and scrape their knee and get up and move forward.

In thinking about that, Andrea and I were talking with Andrea’s grandparents in Alabama. They have interesting names in Alabama. Gam-papa and Gam-mama were married for over sixty years. Late in their life, we were having lunch with them one day. Andrea asked them this question: “What has been the secret to the longevity in your relationship?” And, without batting an eye, Gam-mama said, “Playing golf.” Thought I might get an “amen” out of a man there, somewhere along the line.

Now, listen, it was not because Gam-mama liked playing golf. She didn’t pick up a golf club until she was sixty years old! Gam-mama didn’t play golf because she liked golf—she played golf because she liked Gam-papa! And Gam-papa liked Gam-mama playing golf! Recreational companionship–maybe not your favorite thing, but you can adapt, you can be a part of something he enjoys, and it communicates respect to a husband.

Andrea: I would also say, as a woman—don’t stop growing as a person. When Trent and I got married, I was twenty-four years old. I look back—I was very selfish. I was very immature. After twenty-two years of marriage, hopefully I’ve grown. Hopefully he sees a person who has matured in the Lord—and there is beauty there and there is strength there. Hopefully, we’ll have twenty-two more years, and I’ll look back to this point and I’ll say, “Ahh, there’s been so much more growth!”

I don’t know what that looks like for you. Maybe that means reading a book on marriage every year, reading a book on parenting every year. For sure, I know that means getting in the presence of the Lord. We read in 2 Corinthians 3:18 that we “are [changed]…from one degree of glory to another…” as we behold Jesus. That has got to be our number one pursuit because that is when we are changed. There’s a great book out in the Resource Center (and there are not many left) called Sacred Influence. This week, it’s become my favorite marriage book.

Trent: Mine, too!

Andrea: It’s not a “pie in the sky” book. It just talks about marriage. It talks about how we as women get our identity from God—not from our husbands. We’ve got to have it firmly in the Lord. And then, it talks about all the different ways we can grow as women. In the back it talks about what if you have an angry husband? How do you handle that? What if you have a husband with this issue? How do you handle that? Just wisdom that is just practical for the age that we’re living in.

This is a quote out of that book, talking about growth. It says, “When you grow in character, when you sink your spiritual roots deep, when you learn to hear God’s voice and build your mind with His wisdom, when you allow His Holy Spirit to transform your character and reshape your heart, your husband will be more motivated to maintain your respect and affection. Nothing compares to being married to a godly woman. Nothing. And nothing gets more tiresome more quickly than living with a narcissist or a weak wife or a fearful one.”

So, we need to know our areas where we need growth. And, you know what? If I’m so focused on my areas where I need to grow, it helps me not to be so focused on his!

 

• Availability

 

            Trent: Your husband also needs your availability. The last time Andrea and I were with you, we talked about how men and women have these different needs for levels of intimacy. For a wife she has this need, husbands, for emotional intimacy—to be emotionally connected to you. And she doesn’t feel close–she feels like there’s distance–unless there’s emotional intimacy.

Ladies, please hear me. Your husband has the same need for physical intimacy that you have for emotional intimacy. And he doesn’t feel close to you, he doesn’t feel respected, without physical intimacy. And, ladies, if you are married to a Christian, Christ has made claims—not only on his life—Christ has made claims on his sexuality, and given him boundaries in which he is to practice his sexuality. And it’s hard! And the world is doing everything it can to get him to play outside those boundaries sexually. And they will mock him if he tries [to stay in the boundaries]. The question you need to ask yourself is this: “How can I help him stay in the boundaries?” Your availability communicates respect.

About five years ago was the last time I preached this particular passage of Scripture here at Harvest. It wasn’t actually in this room; it was back at Northpoint Elementary School. We had about three-hundred coming at that time, and we were always looking for new people. “Is there anybody new going to show up who might want to be a part of this thing we are building here?”

And I remember, as I was preaching to women about submission, there was a guy I’d never seen before. He came in the door of the gym, he didn’t come and sit down—he just stood along the back wall throughout the whole message. And in my heart, I was just like, “Sorry, dude. This was not the message you needed to hear. Come back another Sunday, and it will apply to you.” And then I was like, “Doggone it! I wish that guy could have been here on a different Sunday.” And I noticed he left right as I was closing the message. I thought, “I’ll never see that guy again. Surely he’s not going to come back after he heard that message to wives on submission.”

But then, on Tuesday afternoon, I got an email from this guy, and this is what he said: “I was so convicted by the message. As a matter of fact, I had to leave early because I was bursting into tears. I drove home with tears running out of my eyes.” I asked, “Why is that?” He said, “Because I realized that I wasn’t the kind of man that my wife could submit to. I’ve been passive and uninvolved.” He said he drove home, he went to their liquor cabinet, poured out all of the liquor into the sink and drained it all out. He was calling to ask for help.

And so, I asked, “Can you meet me at Chili’s on Tuesday?” And we did, we met at Chili’s and, over chips and salsa, he prayed to receive Christ—he gave his life to Christ, he gave his family to Christ. He said, “I’m going to salvage my marriage! I’m going to go home and love and lead my wife.” Before we went home, he said, “Let’s stop by the Christian bookstore. We don’t have Bibles!” He bought seven Bibles, went home and passed them all out. He said, “Open your Bibles to John chapter 3.” And he led them through John chapter 3. It’s the only passage he knew, because that’s what we talked about at Chili’s—because that’s what he needed to do.

Husbands, your wife has a hard job. You can make it easier by loving her and leading her and being vertically submitted to Christ. And as she follows your leadership, it will make it much easier for her to submit to you. Do you understand what we’re saying here? Without your love, husbands, she reacts without respect. Ladies, without your respect, he reacts without love. That is not a fun home to live in. If you want a fun home to live in, do this.

Husband: A husband’s love inspires a wife’s respect.

Ladies: A wife’s respect inspires a husband’s love.

And now, you get more love inspiring your respect, and more respect inspiring his love. That’s a great place to live! So, the question is, “Who moves first?” Answer: it doesn’t matter. It just gets everything going in the right direction!

This is the way we’re going to end this service. I’m going to ask everybody to bow your heads, close your eyes right now. If you are married, I want you to hold your spouse’s hand, and I’m going to give you some time right now. Husbands, I would like you to lead out in this. Would you simply pray a whisper prayer that your wife can hear? You’re talking to God, but it’s very good for her to hear you talk to God. . .and would you ask God to give you a fresh level of love, and courage to lead your wife spiritually? Do that right now.

If you’re not married, you can pray for the marriages in this church. Pray for a marriage that you know is hurting. Pray for your future marriage—your future husband or wife. Then, ladies, would you return that favor—just in a whisper prayer to the Lord, but loud enough for your husband to hear—that you would ask God to give you the humility, the courage, to respect your husband. Thank God for her! Thank God for him!

Why don’t we all stand together? I’ll pray for us, just on our way out, that God would enable us to be the people He’s called us to be. Let’s pray together.

Father, thank You that You have so loved us as a church—as a groom would love his bride! And, God, our response to you is one of respect, following Your lead. God, our sinful hearts would so often follow our own path. We think that we know better. God, I pray right now for the marriages—the husbands, the wives in this church—that they would be so full of grace and love and forgiveness and endurance that it would shine as a testimony to a dark community that has given up on marriage—that has given up on purity. God, I pray that the world would know that there’s still a group of people who believe Your way is best, and their marriages, their parenting, their children reflect that Your way is best. So, God, will you empower these husbands and wives to love and respect in a way that reflects Your love for us? We pray that in Jesus’ Name, Amen!